No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
