She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
