Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
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I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
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Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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