I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
