how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
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I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
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We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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