She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
