and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
