i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
