Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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