If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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