She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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