My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
