i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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