I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
