you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
