dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
