bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
