Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!