; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.