Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Randomize
