I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
