Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
