i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
