The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
