i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
