drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
