Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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