I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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