I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
