You can't special order awesome
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
