Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
