we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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