dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
