Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
