The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
All I want is dick and wine.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
