Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
