Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
