Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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