This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
