I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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