Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
