there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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