so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
