I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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