If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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