His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
