So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
