my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
