Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Floor bacon is actually really good
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
