after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
