I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just found a bag of teeth...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
