birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
