I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
