Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
