Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
