Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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