Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
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Someone shattered a urinal.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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