Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
