I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
