Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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